Girls need girlfriends. It is one of those non negotiable things. Girlfriends are there for us, they listen and give advice. They like to shop and lunch and giggle. A funny thing happens when we get married. We feel like we don't need girlfriends. We are told our whole life that when we get married we will come together with our husbands and complete each other... we will become a whole person. Most people I know interpreted that to mean we don't need friends anymore.
Friends are hard for newlyweds. Each had friends before the marriage, and sometimes the new spouses don't get along so well with the old friends. Some couples feel like they have to be friends with the whole couple, and that they can only do things as a couple now that they are one.
I think it is worse for women married to men who have SSA. There are so many qualities that make our men so much more desirable to women. They are sensitive and caring, they are emotional and in touch with feelings, more than their OSA (opposite sex attracted ) counterparts. This makes them more attractive to women. They can get a long with women! They often identify more with women. They can relate to them. This makes them the perfect husband, they can be our husband and our girlfriend! It's a two-fer :)
I think it gave me the license, a person who doesn't want to put myself out there, to not need to make an effort to stay connected with my old girlfriends, or make new ones. I think having children just made it worse for me. Now I had even more people who depend on me, I don't have time to make new friends.
One problem with this is that as our husbands get healthier and start to make friends, we can get jealous ( a different post about jealousy). Another problem is that as they draw closer to becoming whole men, they move farther away from being our girlfriends.
Now comes our challenge. We have spent years, some of us, turning away the chance for friends, close girlfriends, in order to be there for and with our husbands, and now they don't need us in that way, or want to be our girlfriends. Sad. Now we need to learn how to be and make girlfriends. That is my goal, to make new friends and to be a good friend. I want to be there for my new friends, I know there are women out there that I can help and that need my help. I hope there is a way to find them, or that they can find me.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My Bonds are Making Me FREE
I started reading The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner. I am only into the book about 60 pages but I can tell this is going to be a life changing experience. I have been taking notes like crazy as I read and wanted to share a few things tonight.
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Shame and Worthiness
Funny how when you don't feel good, all other struggles seem to be minor blips until our health is good enough to concentrate on something other than survival. I had surgery this past week and have been in my bed a good portion of the week. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. That said, I have a few thoughts today.
I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing. It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness. It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from. I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people. Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?
I love, love, love Brene´! She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability. My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given. This one is my favorite. Her blog is inspiring. Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it.
I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it. I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone. Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall. I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.
I now have the courage to be imperfect. As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection. I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends. I am worthy of all the good things that come to me. Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!
I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing. It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness. It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from. I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people. Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?
I love, love, love Brene´! She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability. My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given. This one is my favorite. Her blog is inspiring. Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it.
I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it. I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone. Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall. I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.
I now have the courage to be imperfect. As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection. I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends. I am worthy of all the good things that come to me. Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Perfection and Expectations ect...
Someone asked me a question the other day and my response got me thinking. We all have such different experiences here in this life.
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
To-Do or To-Be
I went to stake standards night last week with the young women. Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list. We listed things on the to-do list like homework, sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be. Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6
"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."
Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy. I like to hide in my sewing room. I feel safe in there. I can control who I let in and what I get done in there. Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much. I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.
At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us. He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?" Of course all you can focus on is your hand. Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?" Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life. Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.
In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."
What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails! One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass. If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.
My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person. The stake president told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."
I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.
At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us. He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?" Of course all you can focus on is your hand. Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?" Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life. Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.
In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."
What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails! One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass. If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.
My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person. The stake president told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."
I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Struggles
I have been struggling lately. Trying to get my bearings and such.. trying to figure out why every time something happens to me it knocks me down further and makes me a little crazier. I am usually a capable person who can accomplish anything thrown at me, but since my husband's sexual addiction and same sex attraction feelings came "out" I feel a little out of sorts.
I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes. Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day! You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going. That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.
I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria. Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama
President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased". I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears. Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them. If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.
I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us. Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work". I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself. If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too! There is help of ALL kinds out there.
These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used! I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".
So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!
I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes. Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day! You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going. That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.
I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria. Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama
- crazy Sunday mornings
- feeling out of control
- feeling emotions ( that is a post for another day)
- when I don't take care of myself...
President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased". I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears. Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them. If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.
I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us. Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work". I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself. If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too! There is help of ALL kinds out there.
These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used! I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".
So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Codependent Me,
There was a time in my life when you were a very necessary companion. I want to thank you for giving me a sense of control in my life. I used you as a refuge from having to have emotions and feel them too. I was able to please others which at the time I thought was more important than being there for my family, spouse or myself. I was able to get lots of things done everyday by relying on you to help me tune out everything I didn't want to see or focus on. My perfect facade was able to shield my husband and I as well as our whole family from the judgement of others (or so I thought).
We were good together. I worked myself to death and you made me think it was working. Everyone wanted to be me, have my fairy tale life. Big home, good children, big callings at church, a successful husband who adored me. I think sometimes back to those days and I was fooled by you too. I didn't see what was happening right in my marriage because I was too busy and numb.
I was afraid of feeling anything, but especially afraid of not feeling worthy of love and connection, and even though I felt empty, and even dead inside - I felt like everyone needed me and that they couldn't do it without me. I was busy and that was enough to make me feel needed.
I used my nice "pillow wall" to limit the real human connections I had each day - and I was sure if people knew the real me - they wouldn't want a connection.
I realize what a fake and false life you enabled me to have. You robbed me of the ability to listen to my inner voice. I couldn't hear it for all the projects lurking in my day. I recognize that you hid my feelings and emotions from not only me, but everyone around me. I was mean and not nurturing at all to my children in order to not turn that energy onto my spouse. I knew that nagging and turning on him would not make things better.
I have been tired to the point of exhaustion from trying to have the "fake house" just in case someone would come over. I spent many a hurried moment cleaning and shoving things in drawers and out of sight because someone was on their way over .But I never let uninvited people in because my house wasn't perfect. Like a showplace, I mean really, doesn't a family live here? I was tired because I was busy ALL of the time. No rest for the busy- that is what I named my blog - more like no rest for the unworthy!
I also ate my way to a protective excuse to not connect with friends or my husband. I ate to mask the pain - emotion - connection.
I don't feel like I have needed you for a while now. I have grown up and figured out where you came from and why you were so needed in my life. I'm not that girl, twirling around in the yard, asking for love and approval. I know who I am and that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and more importantly some days, I know and love myself too.
I have even found myself not getting triggered - to eat - to be sad - to check his phone or email 0 to yell at the kids. I know I'm not perfect yet, I can't be that in this life. I have found a way to recognize emotions, their triggers, and really have them. What an experience!!
I don't need you in my life anymore. My goal is to be an authentic, whole, happy, loved, worthy woman who can give and receive love and connection. I want to be a person with hopes, dreams, ideas, feelings, failures, disappointments and triumphs. I don't need your help to get what I want. Your help only brings heartache.
- I have the right to have my own opinions even if they differ from somebody else
- I have the right to be happy and feel emotions.
- I have the right to say no to demands or requests that I can't meet for whatever reason.
- I have the right to make myself a priority and take care of myself.
- I have the right to have and express feelings
I am still nervous but also excited to learn new patterns when old ones (you) are so easy to fall back on. Like second nature you have become. I know that you really hold me back and so I am going to say goodbye to you. I don't need you anymore. I am ready to stand on my own two feet and learn how to live a better life without you and your tactics. My outlook has changed and we are clearly on two different paths.
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