Brave

I love this song!  It is my new anthem.  I love the girls in this video too.  What would the world be if young women learned early how to speak up and say what they want to say...honestly?

A Hard Morning

I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog.  I don't think I'm ready to be totally  public.   That isn't my purpose with my blog.  I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better.  I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view..  I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view.  Most of what I have found is not so positive.  I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.

I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while.  The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer.  I was drawn back into the Moho blogs.  What I found was hard.  I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning.  Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:

• your marriage can't last.  It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
• you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
• If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
• You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.

Wow!  What a load of garbage!  When I finally snapped out of it and  realized who was filling my head with such stories, it was easy to see who was the author of such stories, Satan.  I choose not to listen to his stories, they are not good ones, and he has no right to tell me that I can't do it.  I know if I work on my own "stuff" and draw closer to the Lord, I can make it and so can my marriage.  I don't believe that I am a timid little housewife who will "let" my husband  "get away with things" just because I am afraid of being alone.  Instead I see my husband ( and other men I know who struggle with ssa) as great men who are learning how to navigate this life and drawing strength from each other, and all the people in their lives.

It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day.  But that is the nature of this existence.  I have thought a lot about  when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep.  I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous.  As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep.  That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels.  He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.

With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:

Dear Moho bloggers,
        I'm not your biggest fan today.  I let your negative words get the best of me today.  Shame on me!  How dare I let you take my hope for the future away.  Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either.  I believe every marriage has its own "stuff".  It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard.  It's what we are here for.  If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord.  I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.

Love,
                Me

p.s.  I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)

Shame and Worthiness

Funny how when you don't feel good, all other struggles seem to be minor blips until our health is good enough to concentrate on something other than survival.  I had surgery this past week and have been in my bed a good portion of the week.  I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything.  That said, I have a few thoughts today.

I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing.  It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness.  It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from.  I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people.  Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?

I love, love, love Brene´!  She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability.  My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given.    This one is my favorite.  Her blog is inspiring.   Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection.  Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it. 

I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it.  I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone.   Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall.  I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.

I now have the courage to be imperfect.  As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection.  I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends.  I am worthy of all the good things that come to me.  Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!

To-Do or To-Be

I went to stake standards night last week with the young women.  Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list.  We listed things on the to-do list like homework,  sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be.  Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6

 

"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.  Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."

Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy.  I like to hide in my sewing room.  I feel safe in there.  I can control who I let in and what I get done in there.  Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much.  I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore.  I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.  


At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us.  He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?"  Of course all you can focus on is your hand.  Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?"  Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life.  Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.  


In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."

What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails!  One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass.  If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.

My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person.   The stake president  told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."

I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.