If any of you have questions, please feel free to ask
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Voice(s) of Hope
About a year ago a website was launched to give hope and healing to men and women who experience SSA and people who love them. My husband and I filmed a video in 2012 and when we were finished, we knew it wasn't what we needed to say, so we asked if we could film it again. So last year in November of 2013, we filmed again and were happy with how it turned out. We are happy to use what we have learned to help others and give hope to those searching.
If any of you have questions, please feel free to ask
If any of you have questions, please feel free to ask
Friday, May 31, 2013
Brave
I love this song! It is my new anthem. I love the girls in this video too. What would the world be if young women learned early how to speak up and say what they want to say...honestly?
Monday, August 6, 2012
Trust
I have had a copy of the LDS Church News in my nightstand for over a year now. It is from January 11, 2011 and there was a really good article from Todd Olson of Lifestar. The title is Trust is essential part of family relationships. It reminded me of the work of Brene' Brown and her blog called Ordinary Courage.
"Adults, like children, have an innate desire to connect emotionally with another human being. Our brains are wired for attachment. The result of a secure attachment is "trust." Our attachment needs can be described by the following questions.
Trust is a thing that we have to earn from others in our lives. It comes with lots of hard work. It is a process. We have to build it for someone else, we need to show faith in our partner, but their actions are what build our trust in them. The best way to earn the trust of someone else is to live a trustworthy life.
So, how do I trust my husband? I luckily do because my husband has learned how to tell me what he is feeling and how it affects him while answering the questions above including am I a priority and will you stay close to me? Trust is one of the principles in this life that we must work on together. It all goes back to connection and Brene' Brown. She says connection is why we are here and that we are all hardwired to connect with each other.
The hard part is that some husbands are not living authentically and so consequently they don't earn our trust. My hope is that each of us can live in such a way that others can trust us and hopefully people in our lives will want to build trust with us too.
"Adults, like children, have an innate desire to connect emotionally with another human being. Our brains are wired for attachment. The result of a secure attachment is "trust." Our attachment needs can be described by the following questions.
- Will you be there for me when I need you the most?
- Will you stay close to me?
- Will you value me and support me even with my imperfections?
- Do I matter to you?
- Am I a priority in your life?
- Do you need me?
- Are you aware of my presence?
- Will you hear me and respect what I am saying?
- Will you help me feel safe by caring about my feelings, hurts and needs?
Trust is a thing that we have to earn from others in our lives. It comes with lots of hard work. It is a process. We have to build it for someone else, we need to show faith in our partner, but their actions are what build our trust in them. The best way to earn the trust of someone else is to live a trustworthy life.
So, how do I trust my husband? I luckily do because my husband has learned how to tell me what he is feeling and how it affects him while answering the questions above including am I a priority and will you stay close to me? Trust is one of the principles in this life that we must work on together. It all goes back to connection and Brene' Brown. She says connection is why we are here and that we are all hardwired to connect with each other.
The hard part is that some husbands are not living authentically and so consequently they don't earn our trust. My hope is that each of us can live in such a way that others can trust us and hopefully people in our lives will want to build trust with us too.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
A Hard Morning
I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog. I don't think I'm ready to be totally public. That isn't my purpose with my blog. I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better. I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view.. I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view. Most of what I have found is not so positive. I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.
I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while. The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer. I was drawn back into the Moho blogs. What I found was hard. I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning. Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:
It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day. But that is the nature of this existence. I have thought a lot about when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep. I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous. As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep. That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels. He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.
With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:
Dear Moho bloggers,
I'm not your biggest fan today. I let your negative words get the best of me today. Shame on me! How dare I let you take my hope for the future away. Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either. I believe every marriage has its own "stuff". It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard. It's what we are here for. If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord. I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.
Love,
Me
p.s. I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)
I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while. The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer. I was drawn back into the Moho blogs. What I found was hard. I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning. Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:
- your marriage can't last. It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
- you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
- If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
- You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.
It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day. But that is the nature of this existence. I have thought a lot about when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep. I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous. As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep. That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels. He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.
With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:
Dear Moho bloggers,
I'm not your biggest fan today. I let your negative words get the best of me today. Shame on me! How dare I let you take my hope for the future away. Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either. I believe every marriage has its own "stuff". It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard. It's what we are here for. If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord. I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.
Love,
Me
p.s. I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
My Declaration
The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA. I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...
I realize that as spouses we are all in different places. Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours. My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box. I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA. With that said, here goes...
I love my husband!! Absolutely, deeply, completely - He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox. He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything. He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it. His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.
My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life. I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him. Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either. Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.
In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges. A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring. I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends. A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him. I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway. I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family.
Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA. He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA. I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend. Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them. SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about. We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA.
I am not perfect, and neither is he. I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of. This is how we would have it in our lives. While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay. Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender. This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards. I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman. To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in. At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man. Then I realized that he is a loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself. He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing. We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours.
I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women. I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post). But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women. I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires. There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things. I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin. If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities. I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart. I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me. I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one. I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.
I also know that my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together. I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with. I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.
Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle. That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard! They are HARD!
Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND! He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!
I realize that as spouses we are all in different places. Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours. My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box. I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA. With that said, here goes...
I love my husband!! Absolutely, deeply, completely - He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox. He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything. He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it. His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.
My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life. I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him. Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either. Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.
In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges. A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring. I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends. A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him. I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway. I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family.
Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA. He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA. I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend. Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them. SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about. We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA.
I am not perfect, and neither is he. I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of. This is how we would have it in our lives. While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay. Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender. This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards. I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman. To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in. At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man. Then I realized that he is a loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself. He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing. We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours.
I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women. I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post). But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women. I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires. There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things. I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin. If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities. I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart. I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me. I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one. I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.
I also know that my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together. I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with. I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.
Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle. That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard! They are HARD!
Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND! He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My Bonds are Making Me FREE
I started reading The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner. I am only into the book about 60 pages but I can tell this is going to be a life changing experience. I have been taking notes like crazy as I read and wanted to share a few things tonight.
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Perfection and Expectations ect...
Someone asked me a question the other day and my response got me thinking. We all have such different experiences here in this life.
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Codependent Me,
There was a time in my life when you were a very necessary companion. I want to thank you for giving me a sense of control in my life. I used you as a refuge from having to have emotions and feel them too. I was able to please others which at the time I thought was more important than being there for my family, spouse or myself. I was able to get lots of things done everyday by relying on you to help me tune out everything I didn't want to see or focus on. My perfect facade was able to shield my husband and I as well as our whole family from the judgement of others (or so I thought).
We were good together. I worked myself to death and you made me think it was working. Everyone wanted to be me, have my fairy tale life. Big home, good children, big callings at church, a successful husband who adored me. I think sometimes back to those days and I was fooled by you too. I didn't see what was happening right in my marriage because I was too busy and numb.
I was afraid of feeling anything, but especially afraid of not feeling worthy of love and connection, and even though I felt empty, and even dead inside - I felt like everyone needed me and that they couldn't do it without me. I was busy and that was enough to make me feel needed.
I used my nice "pillow wall" to limit the real human connections I had each day - and I was sure if people knew the real me - they wouldn't want a connection.
I realize what a fake and false life you enabled me to have. You robbed me of the ability to listen to my inner voice. I couldn't hear it for all the projects lurking in my day. I recognize that you hid my feelings and emotions from not only me, but everyone around me. I was mean and not nurturing at all to my children in order to not turn that energy onto my spouse. I knew that nagging and turning on him would not make things better.
I have been tired to the point of exhaustion from trying to have the "fake house" just in case someone would come over. I spent many a hurried moment cleaning and shoving things in drawers and out of sight because someone was on their way over .But I never let uninvited people in because my house wasn't perfect. Like a showplace, I mean really, doesn't a family live here? I was tired because I was busy ALL of the time. No rest for the busy- that is what I named my blog - more like no rest for the unworthy!
I also ate my way to a protective excuse to not connect with friends or my husband. I ate to mask the pain - emotion - connection.
I don't feel like I have needed you for a while now. I have grown up and figured out where you came from and why you were so needed in my life. I'm not that girl, twirling around in the yard, asking for love and approval. I know who I am and that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and more importantly some days, I know and love myself too.
I have even found myself not getting triggered - to eat - to be sad - to check his phone or email 0 to yell at the kids. I know I'm not perfect yet, I can't be that in this life. I have found a way to recognize emotions, their triggers, and really have them. What an experience!!
I don't need you in my life anymore. My goal is to be an authentic, whole, happy, loved, worthy woman who can give and receive love and connection. I want to be a person with hopes, dreams, ideas, feelings, failures, disappointments and triumphs. I don't need your help to get what I want. Your help only brings heartache.
- I have the right to have my own opinions even if they differ from somebody else
- I have the right to be happy and feel emotions.
- I have the right to say no to demands or requests that I can't meet for whatever reason.
- I have the right to make myself a priority and take care of myself.
- I have the right to have and express feelings
I am still nervous but also excited to learn new patterns when old ones (you) are so easy to fall back on. Like second nature you have become. I know that you really hold me back and so I am going to say goodbye to you. I don't need you anymore. I am ready to stand on my own two feet and learn how to live a better life without you and your tactics. My outlook has changed and we are clearly on two different paths.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Jealousy
Occasionally I find myself getting jealous. Jealous of my husband.
Jealous :
I consider our conversation to be a big success for me. I actually shared my feelings and insecurities with him! That is big for me :) We talked about how we need to make sure there is time for us, not just boring chores and trips to the store, but fun couple time too.
We read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is a great resource for you marriage and will teach you how to speak to each other in a language that will really make a difference. There is a test at the end oft the book to help you figure out what your love language is. Here is the link to take the test online. My love language is quality time and so I feel like my love tank gets drained very quickly when I don't get enough time. I'm sure that contributes to my feelings of jealousy.
I have learned that I need to speak up when I feel something. A hard lesson for a grown up! But it makes it easier to communicate and harder to let my feelings fester. I don't want to fester anymore! Obsessing can be a hard task master and I prefer not to go back to those days. They were hard for both of us.
I know some of my feelings are unrealistic, but he has friends he can call and get help with a problem. As women, especially wives and mothers, we have so many competing interests on a daily basis I feel like I can't call and bother anyone with my struggles. Dumb I know. I have talked to several people about that and one of my goals lately has been to recognize a need I have every day and reach out to someone and ask for it. Then I can let it be in their hands whether they can help me or not, but I don't have to impose my judgement as to whether they can help me or not, I will let them make that decision.
I'm wondering if anyone else has these feelings of jealousy? Rambling I know, maybe one day I will be brave enough to let people know about my blog and then I could get some feedback:) One day...
Jealous :
- of his ability to make friends easily
- that he has friends he can talk to about his struggles
- of the time he spends on the phone with his friends
- of the connection he has with men that I feel has replaced what should be directed at me
- that I can't be the "fix" for his SSA
- of all the support there is for the men with SSA and not for the ones who love them
- of the fun they have together during guy time
- that I don't have a best friend I can tell everything to
I consider our conversation to be a big success for me. I actually shared my feelings and insecurities with him! That is big for me :) We talked about how we need to make sure there is time for us, not just boring chores and trips to the store, but fun couple time too.
We read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is a great resource for you marriage and will teach you how to speak to each other in a language that will really make a difference. There is a test at the end oft the book to help you figure out what your love language is. Here is the link to take the test online. My love language is quality time and so I feel like my love tank gets drained very quickly when I don't get enough time. I'm sure that contributes to my feelings of jealousy.
I have learned that I need to speak up when I feel something. A hard lesson for a grown up! But it makes it easier to communicate and harder to let my feelings fester. I don't want to fester anymore! Obsessing can be a hard task master and I prefer not to go back to those days. They were hard for both of us.
I know some of my feelings are unrealistic, but he has friends he can call and get help with a problem. As women, especially wives and mothers, we have so many competing interests on a daily basis I feel like I can't call and bother anyone with my struggles. Dumb I know. I have talked to several people about that and one of my goals lately has been to recognize a need I have every day and reach out to someone and ask for it. Then I can let it be in their hands whether they can help me or not, but I don't have to impose my judgement as to whether they can help me or not, I will let them make that decision.
I'm wondering if anyone else has these feelings of jealousy? Rambling I know, maybe one day I will be brave enough to let people know about my blog and then I could get some feedback:) One day...
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