My Declaration

The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA.  I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...

I realize that as spouses we are all in different places.  Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours.  My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box.  I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA.  With that said, here goes...

I love my husband!!  Absolutely, deeply, completely -   He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox.  He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything.  He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it.  His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.

My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life.  I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him.  Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either.  Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.

In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges.  A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring.  I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends.  A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him.  I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway.  I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family. 

Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA.  He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA.  I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend.  Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them.  SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about.  We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA. 

I am not perfect, and neither is he.  I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of.  This is how we would have it in our lives.  While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay.  Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender.  This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards.  I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman.  To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in.   At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man.  Then I realized that he is a  loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself.  He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it.  He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing.  We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours. 

I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women.  I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post).  But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women.  I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires.  There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things.  I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin.  If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities.  I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart.  I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me.  I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one.  I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.

I also know that  my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together.  I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with.  I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.

Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle.  That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard!  They are HARD!

Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!

Inspiration to Keep Going

Once again my hero Brené Brown posted an interview on her blog today with Susannah Conway who wrote a book called This I know.  It looks interesting and spoke to me about the work I have done so far in this journey of my life. 

Susannah said,

"I believe that by being the best and most healed version of ourselves we can truly make a difference in the world. I’m not an activist or politician, and I’m not able to have any direct impact on the areas of the world where help is needed. But what I can do is make a difference in the small pocket of the world I call home.

I can live with integrity and be honest about my feelings, even when they hurt. I can put my whole heart into my work and pay forward the generosity that was shown to me when my world fell apart. I can look after myself, knowing that by healing my own hurts I won’t be passing them on to anyone else. In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do—heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on."

I love this,  I believe that if we can heal the hurts we have, we don't have to pass them on to anyone else.  I grew up in a home where the first response was always loud and shaming. Yell, scream, belittle!  When my kids were young I found myself doing the things I promised myself I would never do.  It was the pattern I knew, the one I grew up in.  Yell first, maybe ask questions later, but I should be right, after all - I'm the mom!  Now my kids are older, and I hear the same pattern coming out of their mouth. Especially my oldest, he is the best at the yelling, because he had such a great example in me for the longest period of time.   Every time I hear him over-react I cringe, It sounds so familiar and I know where he got it... from ME!

I believe that by changing my patterns now ( even though I was not a great example of healthy living for many years) I can teach even him a better way to deal with his frustrations.  There is always time to fix the pattern, it's never too late.  I apologize regularly to him for the mistakes I make daily.  I want them all to know that I know I still make choices that I'm not sure about and that I recognize that I have room for improvement. 

 This work is hard, but I see the benefits when I really practice the things I have learned on my journey.  I know that my children will be better for the work I am doing now.

To-Do or To-Be

I went to stake standards night last week with the young women.  Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list.  We listed things on the to-do list like homework,  sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be.  Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6

 

"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.  Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."

Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy.  I like to hide in my sewing room.  I feel safe in there.  I can control who I let in and what I get done in there.  Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much.  I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore.  I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.  


At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us.  He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?"  Of course all you can focus on is your hand.  Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?"  Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life.  Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.  


In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."

What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails!  One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass.  If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.

My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person.   The stake president  told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."

I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.

Struggles

I have been struggling lately.  Trying to get my bearings and such.. trying to figure out why every time something happens to me it knocks me down further and makes me a little crazier.   I am usually a capable person who can accomplish anything thrown at me, but since my husband's sexual addiction and same sex attraction feelings came "out" I feel a little out of sorts.

I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes.  Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day!  You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going.  That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.

I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria.  Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama

• crazy Sunday mornings
• feeling out of control
• feeling emotions ( that is a post for another day)
• when I don't take care of myself...

That is where my problem lies lately.  I can't tell you how many times I have yelled at friends for going off their anti depressants because they felt good - but that is what I did about two weeks ago.  Now I'm not on anything ( except my natural high) but I consider my "dailies" to be my drug of choice.  I should be reading my scriptures and praying, exercising, eating right, reaching out to others.  I realized this week that I felt so good lately that I gave up on doing my things daily.

President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased".  I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears.   Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them.  If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.

I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
  
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that  we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us.  Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work".  I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself.  If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too!  There is help of ALL kinds out there.  

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program
  
• LifeSTAR 
• North Star 
• People Can Change 

These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used!  I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".

So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!