A Hard Morning

I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog.  I don't think I'm ready to be totally  public.   That isn't my purpose with my blog.  I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better.  I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view..  I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view.  Most of what I have found is not so positive.  I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.

I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while.  The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer.  I was drawn back into the Moho blogs.  What I found was hard.  I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning.  Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:

• your marriage can't last.  It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
• you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
• If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
• You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.

Wow!  What a load of garbage!  When I finally snapped out of it and  realized who was filling my head with such stories, it was easy to see who was the author of such stories, Satan.  I choose not to listen to his stories, they are not good ones, and he has no right to tell me that I can't do it.  I know if I work on my own "stuff" and draw closer to the Lord, I can make it and so can my marriage.  I don't believe that I am a timid little housewife who will "let" my husband  "get away with things" just because I am afraid of being alone.  Instead I see my husband ( and other men I know who struggle with ssa) as great men who are learning how to navigate this life and drawing strength from each other, and all the people in their lives.

It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day.  But that is the nature of this existence.  I have thought a lot about  when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep.  I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous.  As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep.  That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels.  He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.

With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:

Dear Moho bloggers,
        I'm not your biggest fan today.  I let your negative words get the best of me today.  Shame on me!  How dare I let you take my hope for the future away.  Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either.  I believe every marriage has its own "stuff".  It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard.  It's what we are here for.  If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord.  I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.

Love,
                Me

p.s.  I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)

My Declaration

The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA.  I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...

I realize that as spouses we are all in different places.  Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours.  My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box.  I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA.  With that said, here goes...

I love my husband!!  Absolutely, deeply, completely -   He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox.  He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything.  He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it.  His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.

My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life.  I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him.  Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either.  Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.

In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges.  A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring.  I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends.  A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him.  I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway.  I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family. 

Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA.  He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA.  I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend.  Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them.  SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about.  We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA. 

I am not perfect, and neither is he.  I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of.  This is how we would have it in our lives.  While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay.  Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender.  This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards.  I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman.  To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in.   At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man.  Then I realized that he is a  loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself.  He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it.  He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing.  We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours. 

I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women.  I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post).  But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women.  I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires.  There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things.  I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin.  If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities.  I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart.  I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me.  I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one.  I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.

I also know that  my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together.  I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with.  I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.

Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle.  That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard!  They are HARD!

Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!

Perfection and Expectations ect...

Someone asked me a question the other day and my response got me thinking.  We all have such different experiences here in this life.

 I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.

We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!

I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.

I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.

I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)

My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!

To-Do or To-Be

I went to stake standards night last week with the young women.  Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list.  We listed things on the to-do list like homework,  sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be.  Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6

 

"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.  Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."

Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy.  I like to hide in my sewing room.  I feel safe in there.  I can control who I let in and what I get done in there.  Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much.  I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore.  I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.  


At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us.  He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?"  Of course all you can focus on is your hand.  Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?"  Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life.  Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.  


In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."

What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails!  One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass.  If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.

My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person.   The stake president  told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."

I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.