Attitudes

I have had several people lately ask me how i am so strong and how I have such a good attitude.  My answer is not an easy one, and I didn't even know how to answer for a few days.  Part of my answer is that is just who I am.  I have always tried to have a good attitude and look for the positive in everything I do.  I often tell my children that we are so lucky, today we "get" to clean our rooms, or whatever the exciting task of the day might be.  I feel lucky that I have never really been one to dwell on the worst case scenarios.  It truly is a blessing to have a good attitude some days.

I believe it can also be a choice.  I have been reading Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle.  There are so many good things in her book that can lead every one of us to adopt a better attitude.

       "If your focus is on the negative, then you will experience life as getting harder.  If your focus is on the positive, you will experience life as getting easier.  Whatever negative patterns you are creating in your life, you will find it more and more uncomfortable to stay in them.
        The good news is it has never been easier to make changes... Remember that you are wonderful, perfect, learning and growing, and doing the  best that you know how."

Each day we have the opportunity to make a fresh start.  It reminds me of the "pull a card" system at my children's school.  They start each day with a green card.  Based on their behavior and the consequences of such, they are asked to pull a card if they do something that crosses the line that has been established.  The colors have different meanings and go from a verbal warning to calling your parents and even visiting with the principal.  But every new day brings a new opportunity and starts over with a green card.  They are not held accountable for yesterday's behavior, they have had their slates wiped clean. 

It isn't that easy with repentance and our actions do have consequences, but our attitudes can be wiped clean every morning and we can choose to have a better one.  I know it sounds Pollyanna and a little naive, but I firmly believe that we can control our environment and change the focus of our lives and our marriages by having a good attitude.  Hope for the future. 

I hope you can find hope in your own future..

A Hard Morning

I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog.  I don't think I'm ready to be totally  public.   That isn't my purpose with my blog.  I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better.  I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view..  I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view.  Most of what I have found is not so positive.  I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.

I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while.  The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer.  I was drawn back into the Moho blogs.  What I found was hard.  I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning.  Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:

• your marriage can't last.  It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
• you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
• If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
• You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.

Wow!  What a load of garbage!  When I finally snapped out of it and  realized who was filling my head with such stories, it was easy to see who was the author of such stories, Satan.  I choose not to listen to his stories, they are not good ones, and he has no right to tell me that I can't do it.  I know if I work on my own "stuff" and draw closer to the Lord, I can make it and so can my marriage.  I don't believe that I am a timid little housewife who will "let" my husband  "get away with things" just because I am afraid of being alone.  Instead I see my husband ( and other men I know who struggle with ssa) as great men who are learning how to navigate this life and drawing strength from each other, and all the people in their lives.

It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day.  But that is the nature of this existence.  I have thought a lot about  when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep.  I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous.  As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep.  That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels.  He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.

With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:

Dear Moho bloggers,
        I'm not your biggest fan today.  I let your negative words get the best of me today.  Shame on me!  How dare I let you take my hope for the future away.  Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either.  I believe every marriage has its own "stuff".  It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard.  It's what we are here for.  If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord.  I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.

Love,
                Me

p.s.  I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)

Shame and Worthiness

Funny how when you don't feel good, all other struggles seem to be minor blips until our health is good enough to concentrate on something other than survival.  I had surgery this past week and have been in my bed a good portion of the week.  I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything.  That said, I have a few thoughts today.

I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing.  It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness.  It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from.  I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people.  Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?

I love, love, love Brene´!  She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability.  My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given.    This one is my favorite.  Her blog is inspiring.   Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection.  Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it. 

I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it.  I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone.   Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall.  I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.

I now have the courage to be imperfect.  As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection.  I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends.  I am worthy of all the good things that come to me.  Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!