My Bonds are Making Me FREE

I started reading The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner.  I am only into the book about 60 pages but I can tell this is going to be a life changing experience.  I have been taking notes like crazy as I read and wanted to share a few things tonight.

I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't.  I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be.  Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions.  I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.

I don't feel like that any more.  We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster.  It feels so foreign to us now.  How healthy is that??

I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband!  I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)

Love you babe:)

Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck.  When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do.  We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about.  When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.

Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure.  The truth is the cure!!

Jealousy

Occasionally I find myself getting jealous.  Jealous of my husband.

Jealous  :

• of his ability to make friends easily
• that he has friends he can talk to about his struggles
• of the time he spends on the phone with his friends
• of the connection he has with men that I feel has replaced what should be directed at me
• that I can't be the "fix" for his SSA
• of all the support there is for the men with SSA and not for the ones who love them
• of the fun they have together during guy time
• that I don't have a best friend I can tell everything to

I know that he loves me - really loves me- but I can't help feeling left out some days.  I want to be the one he runs to when he has a funny story or something happens.  I hear him  talking and giggling on the phone with his friends and sometimes it makes me sad.  I talked to him the other day about not wanting to be the one who he comes home to after having all the fun with the guys.  I want to have some of the fun.

I consider our conversation to be a big success for me.  I actually shared my feelings and insecurities with him!  That is big for me :)  We talked about how we need to make sure there is time for us, not just boring chores and trips to the store, but fun couple time too.

We read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It is a great resource for you marriage and will teach you how to speak to each other in a language that will really make a difference.  There is a test at the end oft the book to help you figure out what your love language is.   Here is the link to take the test online.  My love language is quality time and so I feel like my love tank gets drained very quickly when I don't get enough time.  I'm sure that contributes to my feelings of jealousy. 

I have learned that I need to speak up when I feel something.  A hard lesson for a grown up!  But it makes it easier to communicate and harder to let my feelings fester.  I don't want to fester anymore!  Obsessing can be a hard task master and I prefer not to go back to those days.  They were hard for both of us.

I know some of my feelings are unrealistic, but he has friends he can call and get help with a problem.  As women, especially wives and mothers, we have so many competing interests on a daily basis I feel like I can't call and bother anyone with my struggles.  Dumb I know.  I have talked to several people about that and one of my goals lately has been to recognize a need I have every day and reach out to someone and ask for it.  Then I can let it be in their hands whether they can help me or not, but I don't have to impose my judgement as to whether they can help me or not, I will let them make that decision.
 
I'm wondering if anyone else has these feelings of jealousy? Rambling I know, maybe one day I will be brave enough to let people know about my blog and then I could get some feedback:)  One day...