Trust

I have had a copy of the LDS Church News in my nightstand for over a year now.  It is from January 11, 2011 and there was a  really good article from Todd Olson of Lifestar.  The title is Trust is essential part of family relationships.  It reminded me of the work of Brene' Brown and her blog called Ordinary Courage.

      "Adults, like children, have an innate desire to connect emotionally with another human being.  Our brains are wired for attachment.  The result of a secure attachment is "trust."  Our attachment needs can be described by the following questions.

• Will you be there for me when I need you the most?
• Will you stay close to me?
• Will you value me and support me even with my imperfections?
• Do I matter to you?
• Am I a priority in your life?
• Do you need me?
• Are you aware of my presence?
• Will you hear me and respect what I am saying?
• Will you help me feel safe by caring about my feelings, hurts and needs?

We need to know that the person we share our primary attachment with will be there for us.  Connection gives purpose and meaning to our life.  When our attachment needs are met, we feel a sense of "trust."  Our relationships have a chance to be strong and stable when this happens."

Trust is a thing that we have to earn from others in our lives.  It comes with lots of hard work.  It is a process.   We have to build it for someone else, we need to show faith in our partner, but their actions are what build our trust in them. The best way to earn the trust of someone else is to live a trustworthy life.

So, how do I trust my husband? I luckily do because my husband has learned how to tell me what he is feeling and how it affects him while answering the questions above including am I a priority and will you stay close to me?  Trust is one of the principles in this life that we must work on together.  It all goes back to connection and Brene' Brown.  She says connection is why we are here and that we are all hardwired to connect with each other.

The hard part is that some husbands are not living authentically and so consequently they don't earn our trust.  My hope is that each of us can live in such a way that others can trust us and hopefully people in our lives will want to build trust with us too.

My Declaration

The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA.  I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...

I realize that as spouses we are all in different places.  Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours.  My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box.  I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA.  With that said, here goes...

I love my husband!!  Absolutely, deeply, completely -   He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox.  He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything.  He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it.  His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.

My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life.  I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him.  Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either.  Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.

In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges.  A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring.  I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends.  A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him.  I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway.  I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family. 

Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA.  He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA.  I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend.  Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them.  SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about.  We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA. 

I am not perfect, and neither is he.  I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of.  This is how we would have it in our lives.  While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay.  Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender.  This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards.  I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman.  To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in.   At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man.  Then I realized that he is a  loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself.  He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it.  He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing.  We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours. 

I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women.  I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post).  But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women.  I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires.  There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things.  I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin.  If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities.  I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart.  I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me.  I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one.  I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.

I also know that  my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together.  I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with.  I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.

Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle.  That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard!  They are HARD!

Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!

Inspiration to Keep Going

Once again my hero Brené Brown posted an interview on her blog today with Susannah Conway who wrote a book called This I know.  It looks interesting and spoke to me about the work I have done so far in this journey of my life. 

Susannah said,

"I believe that by being the best and most healed version of ourselves we can truly make a difference in the world. I’m not an activist or politician, and I’m not able to have any direct impact on the areas of the world where help is needed. But what I can do is make a difference in the small pocket of the world I call home.

I can live with integrity and be honest about my feelings, even when they hurt. I can put my whole heart into my work and pay forward the generosity that was shown to me when my world fell apart. I can look after myself, knowing that by healing my own hurts I won’t be passing them on to anyone else. In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do—heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on."

I love this,  I believe that if we can heal the hurts we have, we don't have to pass them on to anyone else.  I grew up in a home where the first response was always loud and shaming. Yell, scream, belittle!  When my kids were young I found myself doing the things I promised myself I would never do.  It was the pattern I knew, the one I grew up in.  Yell first, maybe ask questions later, but I should be right, after all - I'm the mom!  Now my kids are older, and I hear the same pattern coming out of their mouth. Especially my oldest, he is the best at the yelling, because he had such a great example in me for the longest period of time.   Every time I hear him over-react I cringe, It sounds so familiar and I know where he got it... from ME!

I believe that by changing my patterns now ( even though I was not a great example of healthy living for many years) I can teach even him a better way to deal with his frustrations.  There is always time to fix the pattern, it's never too late.  I apologize regularly to him for the mistakes I make daily.  I want them all to know that I know I still make choices that I'm not sure about and that I recognize that I have room for improvement. 

 This work is hard, but I see the benefits when I really practice the things I have learned on my journey.  I know that my children will be better for the work I am doing now.

Hello World

I have felt for a while now like there are so many resources for our loved ones who struggle with SSA and that there are very few for us who love them.  I hope that I can be a voice for staying in a marriage, standing by his or her side, working through the hard days and coming out a stronger person who still loves deeply!
My hope is to give ideas, helpful resources and support to you. I hope it can be a place of respectful discussion and not bashing. 


I'll start with my story..


I grew up in an active LDS home where we tried to do the right thing.  My parents were human and we all loved each other.  My dad traveled a lot when I was a child and my mom was left to raise 5 crazy children by herself for months at a time.  Not an easy task and I may or may not remember a mental breakdown.  I am the oldest  and have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.  I am the family hero.  I could do no wrong and became an expert at controlling through co dependance or rescuing all around me into doing what I wanted them to do!

I met my husband in high school.  We were best friends for years, still are, and I knew I loved him long before he clued in :)  We went to school dances, dated, hung out, went to college, wrote to each other while he was on his mission, never got in trouble.

We got married in the temple, did a lot of graduate work, had 4 beautiful children and bought the house of our dreams.  I really had a fairy tale life. They were right in young women's when they said that if you make good choices and get married in the temple that you could live happily ever after.  My husband and I never fight and I thought we had it pretty good.  We had healthy children, everything we needed and still felt like best friends.

Then one day he started crying..  he told me how he was addicted to pornography and masturbation and he was attracted to men.  WHAM!  Where did the fairy tale go? What is that you say?  They aren't real?  Well I'm still not sure I believe that, but that is another discussion.  We struggled for a while trying to figure out what that meant for us and along the way have found thing, programs, and people that have really helped.

We are not all "fixed" and still have struggles, but we have come to love each other even more and I truly see him as my Heavenly Father does.  Warts and all I still love him more today than that day I married him!