I have had several people lately ask me how i am so strong and how I have such a good attitude. My answer is not an easy one, and I didn't even know how to answer for a few days. Part of my answer is that is just who I am. I have always tried to have a good attitude and look for the positive in everything I do. I often tell my children that we are so lucky, today we "get" to clean our rooms, or whatever the exciting task of the day might be. I feel lucky that I have never really been one to dwell on the worst case scenarios. It truly is a blessing to have a good attitude some days.
I believe it can also be a choice. I have been reading Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle. There are so many good things in her book that can lead every one of us to adopt a better attitude.
"If your focus is on the negative, then you will experience life as getting harder. If your focus is on the positive, you will experience life as getting easier. Whatever negative patterns you are creating in your life, you will find it more and more uncomfortable to stay in them.
The good news is it has never been easier to make changes... Remember that you are wonderful, perfect, learning and growing, and doing the best that you know how."
Each day we have the opportunity to make a fresh start. It reminds me of the "pull a card" system at my children's school. They start each day with a green card. Based on their behavior and the consequences of such, they are asked to pull a card if they do something that crosses the line that has been established. The colors have different meanings and go from a verbal warning to calling your parents and even visiting with the principal. But every new day brings a new opportunity and starts over with a green card. They are not held accountable for yesterday's behavior, they have had their slates wiped clean.
It isn't that easy with repentance and our actions do have consequences, but our attitudes can be wiped clean every morning and we can choose to have a better one. I know it sounds Pollyanna and a little naive, but I firmly believe that we can control our environment and change the focus of our lives and our marriages by having a good attitude. Hope for the future.
I hope you can find hope in your own future..
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
A Hard Morning
I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog. I don't think I'm ready to be totally public. That isn't my purpose with my blog. I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better. I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view.. I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view. Most of what I have found is not so positive. I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.
I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while. The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer. I was drawn back into the Moho blogs. What I found was hard. I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning. Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:
It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day. But that is the nature of this existence. I have thought a lot about when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep. I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous. As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep. That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels. He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.
With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:
Dear Moho bloggers,
I'm not your biggest fan today. I let your negative words get the best of me today. Shame on me! How dare I let you take my hope for the future away. Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either. I believe every marriage has its own "stuff". It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard. It's what we are here for. If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord. I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.
Love,
Me
p.s. I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)
I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while. The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer. I was drawn back into the Moho blogs. What I found was hard. I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning. Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:
- your marriage can't last. It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
- you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
- If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
- You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.
It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day. But that is the nature of this existence. I have thought a lot about when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep. I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous. As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep. That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels. He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.
With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:
Dear Moho bloggers,
I'm not your biggest fan today. I let your negative words get the best of me today. Shame on me! How dare I let you take my hope for the future away. Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either. I believe every marriage has its own "stuff". It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard. It's what we are here for. If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord. I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.
Love,
Me
p.s. I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
My Declaration
The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA. I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...
I realize that as spouses we are all in different places. Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours. My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box. I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA. With that said, here goes...
I love my husband!! Absolutely, deeply, completely - He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox. He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything. He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it. His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.
My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life. I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him. Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either. Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.
In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges. A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring. I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends. A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him. I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway. I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family.
Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA. He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA. I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend. Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them. SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about. We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA.
I am not perfect, and neither is he. I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of. This is how we would have it in our lives. While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay. Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender. This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards. I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman. To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in. At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man. Then I realized that he is a loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself. He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing. We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours.
I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women. I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post). But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women. I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires. There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things. I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin. If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities. I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart. I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me. I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one. I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.
I also know that my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together. I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with. I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.
Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle. That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard! They are HARD!
Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND! He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!
I realize that as spouses we are all in different places. Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours. My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box. I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA. With that said, here goes...
I love my husband!! Absolutely, deeply, completely - He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox. He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything. He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it. His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.
My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life. I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him. Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either. Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.
In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges. A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring. I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends. A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him. I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway. I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family.
Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA. He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA. I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend. Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them. SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about. We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA.
I am not perfect, and neither is he. I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of. This is how we would have it in our lives. While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay. Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender. This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards. I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman. To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in. At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man. Then I realized that he is a loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself. He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing. We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours.
I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women. I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post). But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women. I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires. There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things. I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin. If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities. I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart. I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me. I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one. I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.
I also know that my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together. I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with. I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.
Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle. That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard! They are HARD!
Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND! He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!
Friday, June 15, 2012
Inspiration to Keep Going
Once again my hero Brené Brown posted an interview on her blog today with Susannah Conway who wrote a book called This I know. It looks interesting and spoke to me about the work I have done so far in this journey of my life.
Susannah said,
Susannah said,
"I believe that by being the best and
most healed version of ourselves we can truly make a difference in the
world. I’m not an activist or politician, and I’m not able to have any
direct impact on the areas of the world where help is needed. But what I
can do is make a difference in the small pocket of the world I call home.
I can live
with integrity and be honest about my feelings, even when they hurt. I
can put my whole heart into my work and pay forward the generosity that
was shown to me when my world fell apart. I can look after myself,
knowing that by healing my own hurts I won’t be passing them on to
anyone else. In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally
wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most
important work we could ever do—heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on."
I love this, I believe that if we can heal the hurts we have, we don't have to pass them on to anyone else. I grew up in a home where the first response was always loud and shaming. Yell, scream, belittle! When my kids were young I found myself doing the things I promised myself I would never do. It was the pattern I knew, the one I grew up in. Yell first, maybe ask questions later, but I should be right, after all - I'm the mom! Now my kids are older, and I hear the same pattern coming out of their mouth. Especially my oldest, he is the best at the yelling, because he had such a great example in me for the longest period of time. Every time I hear him over-react I cringe, It sounds so familiar and I know where he got it... from ME!
I believe that by changing my patterns now ( even though I was not a great example of healthy living for many years) I can teach even him a better way to deal with his frustrations. There is always time to fix the pattern, it's never too late. I apologize regularly to him for the mistakes I make daily. I want them all to know that I know I still make choices that I'm not sure about and that I recognize that I have room for improvement.
This work is hard, but I see the benefits when I really practice the things I have learned on my journey. I know that my children will be better for the work I am doing now.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
My Bonds are Making Me FREE
I started reading The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner. I am only into the book about 60 pages but I can tell this is going to be a life changing experience. I have been taking notes like crazy as I read and wanted to share a few things tonight.
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't. I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be. Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions. I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.
I don't feel like that any more. We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster. It feels so foreign to us now. How healthy is that??
I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband! I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)
Love you babe:)
Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck. When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do. We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about. When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.
Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure. The truth is the cure!!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Perfection and Expectations ect...
Someone asked me a question the other day and my response got me thinking. We all have such different experiences here in this life.
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
To-Do or To-Be
I went to stake standards night last week with the young women. Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list. We listed things on the to-do list like homework, sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be. Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6
"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work. Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."
Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy. I like to hide in my sewing room. I feel safe in there. I can control who I let in and what I get done in there. Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much. I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore. I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.
At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us. He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?" Of course all you can focus on is your hand. Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?" Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life. Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.
In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."
What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails! One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass. If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.
My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person. The stake president told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."
I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.
At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us. He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?" Of course all you can focus on is your hand. Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?" Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life. Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.
In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."
What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails! One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass. If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.
My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person. The stake president told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."
I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Struggles
I have been struggling lately. Trying to get my bearings and such.. trying to figure out why every time something happens to me it knocks me down further and makes me a little crazier. I am usually a capable person who can accomplish anything thrown at me, but since my husband's sexual addiction and same sex attraction feelings came "out" I feel a little out of sorts.
I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes. Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day! You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going. That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.
I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria. Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama
President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased". I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears. Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them. If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.
I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us. Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work". I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself. If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too! There is help of ALL kinds out there.
These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used! I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".
So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!
I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes. Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day! You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going. That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.
I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria. Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama
- crazy Sunday mornings
- feeling out of control
- feeling emotions ( that is a post for another day)
- when I don't take care of myself...
President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased". I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears. Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them. If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.
I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us. Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work". I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself. If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too! There is help of ALL kinds out there.
These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used! I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".
So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Dear Codependent Me,
There was a time in my life when you were a very necessary companion. I want to thank you for giving me a sense of control in my life. I used you as a refuge from having to have emotions and feel them too. I was able to please others which at the time I thought was more important than being there for my family, spouse or myself. I was able to get lots of things done everyday by relying on you to help me tune out everything I didn't want to see or focus on. My perfect facade was able to shield my husband and I as well as our whole family from the judgement of others (or so I thought).
We were good together. I worked myself to death and you made me think it was working. Everyone wanted to be me, have my fairy tale life. Big home, good children, big callings at church, a successful husband who adored me. I think sometimes back to those days and I was fooled by you too. I didn't see what was happening right in my marriage because I was too busy and numb.
I was afraid of feeling anything, but especially afraid of not feeling worthy of love and connection, and even though I felt empty, and even dead inside - I felt like everyone needed me and that they couldn't do it without me. I was busy and that was enough to make me feel needed.
I used my nice "pillow wall" to limit the real human connections I had each day - and I was sure if people knew the real me - they wouldn't want a connection.
I realize what a fake and false life you enabled me to have. You robbed me of the ability to listen to my inner voice. I couldn't hear it for all the projects lurking in my day. I recognize that you hid my feelings and emotions from not only me, but everyone around me. I was mean and not nurturing at all to my children in order to not turn that energy onto my spouse. I knew that nagging and turning on him would not make things better.
I have been tired to the point of exhaustion from trying to have the "fake house" just in case someone would come over. I spent many a hurried moment cleaning and shoving things in drawers and out of sight because someone was on their way over .But I never let uninvited people in because my house wasn't perfect. Like a showplace, I mean really, doesn't a family live here? I was tired because I was busy ALL of the time. No rest for the busy- that is what I named my blog - more like no rest for the unworthy!
I also ate my way to a protective excuse to not connect with friends or my husband. I ate to mask the pain - emotion - connection.
I don't feel like I have needed you for a while now. I have grown up and figured out where you came from and why you were so needed in my life. I'm not that girl, twirling around in the yard, asking for love and approval. I know who I am and that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and more importantly some days, I know and love myself too.
I have even found myself not getting triggered - to eat - to be sad - to check his phone or email 0 to yell at the kids. I know I'm not perfect yet, I can't be that in this life. I have found a way to recognize emotions, their triggers, and really have them. What an experience!!
I don't need you in my life anymore. My goal is to be an authentic, whole, happy, loved, worthy woman who can give and receive love and connection. I want to be a person with hopes, dreams, ideas, feelings, failures, disappointments and triumphs. I don't need your help to get what I want. Your help only brings heartache.
- I have the right to have my own opinions even if they differ from somebody else
- I have the right to be happy and feel emotions.
- I have the right to say no to demands or requests that I can't meet for whatever reason.
- I have the right to make myself a priority and take care of myself.
- I have the right to have and express feelings
I am still nervous but also excited to learn new patterns when old ones (you) are so easy to fall back on. Like second nature you have become. I know that you really hold me back and so I am going to say goodbye to you. I don't need you anymore. I am ready to stand on my own two feet and learn how to live a better life without you and your tactics. My outlook has changed and we are clearly on two different paths.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Hello World
I have felt for a while now like there are so many resources for our loved ones who struggle with SSA and that there are very few for us who love them. I hope that I can be a voice for staying in a marriage, standing by his or her side, working through the hard days and coming out a stronger person who still loves deeply!
My hope is to give ideas, helpful resources and support to you. I hope it can be a place of respectful discussion and not bashing.
I'll start with my story..
I grew up in an active LDS home where we tried to do the right thing. My parents were human and we all loved each other. My dad traveled a lot when I was a child and my mom was left to raise 5 crazy children by herself for months at a time. Not an easy task and I may or may not remember a mental breakdown. I am the oldest and have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I am the family hero. I could do no wrong and became an expert at controlling through co dependance or rescuing all around me into doing what I wanted them to do!
I met my husband in high school. We were best friends for years, still are, and I knew I loved him long before he clued in :) We went to school dances, dated, hung out, went to college, wrote to each other while he was on his mission, never got in trouble.
We got married in the temple, did a lot of graduate work, had 4 beautiful children and bought the house of our dreams. I really had a fairy tale life. They were right in young women's when they said that if you make good choices and get married in the temple that you could live happily ever after. My husband and I never fight and I thought we had it pretty good. We had healthy children, everything we needed and still felt like best friends.
Then one day he started crying.. he told me how he was addicted to pornography and masturbation and he was attracted to men. WHAM! Where did the fairy tale go? What is that you say? They aren't real? Well I'm still not sure I believe that, but that is another discussion. We struggled for a while trying to figure out what that meant for us and along the way have found thing, programs, and people that have really helped.
We are not all "fixed" and still have struggles, but we have come to love each other even more and I truly see him as my Heavenly Father does. Warts and all I still love him more today than that day I married him!
My hope is to give ideas, helpful resources and support to you. I hope it can be a place of respectful discussion and not bashing.
I'll start with my story..
I grew up in an active LDS home where we tried to do the right thing. My parents were human and we all loved each other. My dad traveled a lot when I was a child and my mom was left to raise 5 crazy children by herself for months at a time. Not an easy task and I may or may not remember a mental breakdown. I am the oldest and have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I am the family hero. I could do no wrong and became an expert at controlling through co dependance or rescuing all around me into doing what I wanted them to do!
I met my husband in high school. We were best friends for years, still are, and I knew I loved him long before he clued in :) We went to school dances, dated, hung out, went to college, wrote to each other while he was on his mission, never got in trouble.
We got married in the temple, did a lot of graduate work, had 4 beautiful children and bought the house of our dreams. I really had a fairy tale life. They were right in young women's when they said that if you make good choices and get married in the temple that you could live happily ever after. My husband and I never fight and I thought we had it pretty good. We had healthy children, everything we needed and still felt like best friends.
Then one day he started crying.. he told me how he was addicted to pornography and masturbation and he was attracted to men. WHAM! Where did the fairy tale go? What is that you say? They aren't real? Well I'm still not sure I believe that, but that is another discussion. We struggled for a while trying to figure out what that meant for us and along the way have found thing, programs, and people that have really helped.
We are not all "fixed" and still have struggles, but we have come to love each other even more and I truly see him as my Heavenly Father does. Warts and all I still love him more today than that day I married him!
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