There was a time in my life when you were a very necessary companion. I want to thank you for giving me a sense of control in my life. I used you as a refuge from having to have emotions and feel them too. I was able to please others which at the time I thought was more important than being there for my family, spouse or myself. I was able to get lots of things done everyday by relying on you to help me tune out everything I didn't want to see or focus on. My perfect facade was able to shield my husband and I as well as our whole family from the judgement of others (or so I thought).
We were good together. I worked myself to death and you made me think it was working. Everyone wanted to be me, have my fairy tale life. Big home, good children, big callings at church, a successful husband who adored me. I think sometimes back to those days and I was fooled by you too. I didn't see what was happening right in my marriage because I was too busy and numb.
I was afraid of feeling anything, but especially afraid of not feeling worthy of love and connection, and even though I felt empty, and even dead inside - I felt like everyone needed me and that they couldn't do it without me. I was busy and that was enough to make me feel needed.
I used my nice "pillow wall" to limit the real human connections I had each day - and I was sure if people knew the real me - they wouldn't want a connection.
I realize what a fake and false life you enabled me to have. You robbed me of the ability to listen to my inner voice. I couldn't hear it for all the projects lurking in my day. I recognize that you hid my feelings and emotions from not only me, but everyone around me. I was mean and not nurturing at all to my children in order to not turn that energy onto my spouse. I knew that nagging and turning on him would not make things better.
I have been tired to the point of exhaustion from trying to have the "fake house" just in case someone would come over. I spent many a hurried moment cleaning and shoving things in drawers and out of sight because someone was on their way over .But I never let uninvited people in because my house wasn't perfect. Like a showplace, I mean really, doesn't a family live here? I was tired because I was busy ALL of the time. No rest for the busy- that is what I named my blog - more like no rest for the unworthy!
I also ate my way to a protective excuse to not connect with friends or my husband. I ate to mask the pain - emotion - connection.
I don't feel like I have needed you for a while now. I have grown up and figured out where you came from and why you were so needed in my life. I'm not that girl, twirling around in the yard, asking for love and approval. I know who I am and that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and more importantly some days, I know and love myself too.
I have even found myself not getting triggered - to eat - to be sad - to check his phone or email 0 to yell at the kids. I know I'm not perfect yet, I can't be that in this life. I have found a way to recognize emotions, their triggers, and really have them. What an experience!!
I don't need you in my life anymore. My goal is to be an authentic, whole, happy, loved, worthy woman who can give and receive love and connection. I want to be a person with hopes, dreams, ideas, feelings, failures, disappointments and triumphs. I don't need your help to get what I want. Your help only brings heartache.
- I have the right to have my own opinions even if they differ from somebody else
- I have the right to be happy and feel emotions.
- I have the right to say no to demands or requests that I can't meet for whatever reason.
- I have the right to make myself a priority and take care of myself.
- I have the right to have and express feelings
I am still nervous but also excited to learn new patterns when old ones (you) are so easy to fall back on. Like second nature you have become. I know that you really hold me back and so I am going to say goodbye to you. I don't need you anymore. I am ready to stand on my own two feet and learn how to live a better life without you and your tactics. My outlook has changed and we are clearly on two different paths.
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