Struggles

I have been struggling lately.  Trying to get my bearings and such.. trying to figure out why every time something happens to me it knocks me down further and makes me a little crazier.   I am usually a capable person who can accomplish anything thrown at me, but since my husband's sexual addiction and same sex attraction feelings came "out" I feel a little out of sorts.

I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes.  Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day!  You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going.  That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.

I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria.  Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama

• crazy Sunday mornings
• feeling out of control
• feeling emotions ( that is a post for another day)
• when I don't take care of myself...

That is where my problem lies lately.  I can't tell you how many times I have yelled at friends for going off their anti depressants because they felt good - but that is what I did about two weeks ago.  Now I'm not on anything ( except my natural high) but I consider my "dailies" to be my drug of choice.  I should be reading my scriptures and praying, exercising, eating right, reaching out to others.  I realized this week that I felt so good lately that I gave up on doing my things daily.

President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased".  I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears.   Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them.  If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.

I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
  
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that  we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us.  Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work".  I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself.  If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too!  There is help of ALL kinds out there.  

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program
  
• LifeSTAR 
• North Star 
• People Can Change 

These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used!  I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".

So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!