Attitudes

I have had several people lately ask me how i am so strong and how I have such a good attitude.  My answer is not an easy one, and I didn't even know how to answer for a few days.  Part of my answer is that is just who I am.  I have always tried to have a good attitude and look for the positive in everything I do.  I often tell my children that we are so lucky, today we "get" to clean our rooms, or whatever the exciting task of the day might be.  I feel lucky that I have never really been one to dwell on the worst case scenarios.  It truly is a blessing to have a good attitude some days.

I believe it can also be a choice.  I have been reading Remembering Wholeness by Carol Tuttle.  There are so many good things in her book that can lead every one of us to adopt a better attitude.

       "If your focus is on the negative, then you will experience life as getting harder.  If your focus is on the positive, you will experience life as getting easier.  Whatever negative patterns you are creating in your life, you will find it more and more uncomfortable to stay in them.
        The good news is it has never been easier to make changes... Remember that you are wonderful, perfect, learning and growing, and doing the  best that you know how."

Each day we have the opportunity to make a fresh start.  It reminds me of the "pull a card" system at my children's school.  They start each day with a green card.  Based on their behavior and the consequences of such, they are asked to pull a card if they do something that crosses the line that has been established.  The colors have different meanings and go from a verbal warning to calling your parents and even visiting with the principal.  But every new day brings a new opportunity and starts over with a green card.  They are not held accountable for yesterday's behavior, they have had their slates wiped clean. 

It isn't that easy with repentance and our actions do have consequences, but our attitudes can be wiped clean every morning and we can choose to have a better one.  I know it sounds Pollyanna and a little naive, but I firmly believe that we can control our environment and change the focus of our lives and our marriages by having a good attitude.  Hope for the future. 

I hope you can find hope in your own future..

Trust

I have had a copy of the LDS Church News in my nightstand for over a year now.  It is from January 11, 2011 and there was a  really good article from Todd Olson of Lifestar.  The title is Trust is essential part of family relationships.  It reminded me of the work of Brene' Brown and her blog called Ordinary Courage.

      "Adults, like children, have an innate desire to connect emotionally with another human being.  Our brains are wired for attachment.  The result of a secure attachment is "trust."  Our attachment needs can be described by the following questions.

• Will you be there for me when I need you the most?
• Will you stay close to me?
• Will you value me and support me even with my imperfections?
• Do I matter to you?
• Am I a priority in your life?
• Do you need me?
• Are you aware of my presence?
• Will you hear me and respect what I am saying?
• Will you help me feel safe by caring about my feelings, hurts and needs?

We need to know that the person we share our primary attachment with will be there for us.  Connection gives purpose and meaning to our life.  When our attachment needs are met, we feel a sense of "trust."  Our relationships have a chance to be strong and stable when this happens."

Trust is a thing that we have to earn from others in our lives.  It comes with lots of hard work.  It is a process.   We have to build it for someone else, we need to show faith in our partner, but their actions are what build our trust in them. The best way to earn the trust of someone else is to live a trustworthy life.

So, how do I trust my husband? I luckily do because my husband has learned how to tell me what he is feeling and how it affects him while answering the questions above including am I a priority and will you stay close to me?  Trust is one of the principles in this life that we must work on together.  It all goes back to connection and Brene' Brown.  She says connection is why we are here and that we are all hardwired to connect with each other.

The hard part is that some husbands are not living authentically and so consequently they don't earn our trust.  My hope is that each of us can live in such a way that others can trust us and hopefully people in our lives will want to build trust with us too.

A Hard Morning

I have been wondering lately what would be the best outlet to share my blog.  I don't think I'm ready to be totally  public.   That isn't my purpose with my blog.  I write it for me and if it can help anyone else out there.. even better.  I have been reading a few Moho blogs lately, and looking at blog rolls to see if mine would fit with them, but I haven't really found one that looks like mine, or my point of view..  I guess we are all unique and that is good, not everyone has the same point of view.  Most of what I have found is not so positive.  I know there are other couples like us, ones that are really making it work and trying to work together as a couple to make our lives together meaningful and fulfilling for both of us.

I woke up with a really bad headache this morning and stayed in bed for a while.  The meds I took didn't work so well and so I stayed in bed and opened up my computer.  I was drawn back into the Moho blogs.  What I found was hard.  I don't know if it had anything to do with the pain in my head, but everything was hard this morning.  Satan was trying to get to me and I chose to let him.. for a while. Some of the messages I heard this morning:

• your marriage can't last.  It might for a while, but eventually, you and/or your husband will realize it isn't enough
• you can't meet all of his needs, so why try to meet any of them?
• If you can't meet his, can he really meet yours?
• You or your husband, or both of you are just trying to take the easy road in your marriage because it would be hard or scary to get out.

Wow!  What a load of garbage!  When I finally snapped out of it and  realized who was filling my head with such stories, it was easy to see who was the author of such stories, Satan.  I choose not to listen to his stories, they are not good ones, and he has no right to tell me that I can't do it.  I know if I work on my own "stuff" and draw closer to the Lord, I can make it and so can my marriage.  I don't believe that I am a timid little housewife who will "let" my husband  "get away with things" just because I am afraid of being alone.  Instead I see my husband ( and other men I know who struggle with ssa) as great men who are learning how to navigate this life and drawing strength from each other, and all the people in their lives.

It is naive of me to think that any one person on this earth can be without mistakes, and I don't think for a minute there might not be another set back some day.  But that is the nature of this existence.  I have thought a lot about  when the Savior spoke of the lost sheep.  I always thought that I was one of the 99, the safe faithful member who followed the Shepherd and was striving to be righteous.  As my life has unfolded, and especially since I learned of my husband's ssa, I have come to know that each of us is the one, the lost sheep.  That I am worthy of the Savior leaving the others to come to me and find me, I am worth the risk, and when I make good choices, I am worthy of the rejoicing he feels.  He is waiting for the day when I can return to him and he will be able to say well done.

With that said, here were my first thoughts this morning:

Dear Moho bloggers,
        I'm not your biggest fan today.  I let your negative words get the best of me today.  Shame on me!  How dare I let you take my hope for the future away.  Not every marriage has to end in divorce like yours, and just because the ones who are brave enough to put their names and faces out there right now have not been married for 20 or 30 or 40 years, doesn't mean theirs or mine won't last that long either.  I believe every marriage has its own "stuff".  It is so easy for us to look at our own situation and think it is the hardest one out there, but I think they are all hard.  It's what we are here for.  If this life was meant to be easy, I don't think we could find a way to be humbled enough to turn to the Lord.  I feel disappointed today, in myself, for letting you get to me.

Love,
                Me

p.s.  I see you visiting my blog.... I'd love to know who you are or what you think :)

My Declaration

The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA.  I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...

I realize that as spouses we are all in different places.  Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be shared....not only for their sake but for ours.  My hope is that no one would feel as though I am standing on a soap box.  I am simply expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at hand...SSA.  With that said, here goes...

I love my husband!!  Absolutely, deeply, completely -   He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox.  He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything.  He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it.  His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.

My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life.  I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him.  Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either.  Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.

In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges.  A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring.  I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends.  A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him.  I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway.  I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family. 

Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA.  He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA.  I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend.  Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by them.  SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it isn't what our marriage is about.  We have other conversations, deep conversations that have nothing to do with SSA. 

I am not perfect, and neither is he.  I don't expect him to be so, I just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of.  This is how we would have it in our lives.  While our marriage isn't perfect, while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay.  Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about someone of his own gender or my own gender.  This simply means that if he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards.  I am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a man and not a woman.  To me, it doesn't matter which form the person comes in.   At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man.  Then I realized that he is a  loving husband, and these feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am insecure with how I feel about myself.  He doesn't love me any less, that has nothing to do with it.  He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing.  We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands and not ours. 

I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women.  I can completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my jealousy post).  But, I also feel that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it) simply because their natural man desire is men and not women.  I believe that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have never acted out on such desires.  There was conversation on our support group this week about whether or not it is a sin to think about things.  I believe that the thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein lies the sin.  If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities.  I do not punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart.  I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me.  I know that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one.  I feel his countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.

I also know that  my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together.  I know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and love and support him no matter what he is struggling with.  I also know that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.

Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle.  That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard!  They are HARD!

Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND!  He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!

Inspiration to Keep Going

Once again my hero Brené Brown posted an interview on her blog today with Susannah Conway who wrote a book called This I know.  It looks interesting and spoke to me about the work I have done so far in this journey of my life. 

Susannah said,

"I believe that by being the best and most healed version of ourselves we can truly make a difference in the world. I’m not an activist or politician, and I’m not able to have any direct impact on the areas of the world where help is needed. But what I can do is make a difference in the small pocket of the world I call home.

I can live with integrity and be honest about my feelings, even when they hurt. I can put my whole heart into my work and pay forward the generosity that was shown to me when my world fell apart. I can look after myself, knowing that by healing my own hurts I won’t be passing them on to anyone else. In a society like ours, filled with so many emotionally wounded people acting out their pain, this is possibly the most important work we could ever do—heal our hurts so we don’t pass them on."

I love this,  I believe that if we can heal the hurts we have, we don't have to pass them on to anyone else.  I grew up in a home where the first response was always loud and shaming. Yell, scream, belittle!  When my kids were young I found myself doing the things I promised myself I would never do.  It was the pattern I knew, the one I grew up in.  Yell first, maybe ask questions later, but I should be right, after all - I'm the mom!  Now my kids are older, and I hear the same pattern coming out of their mouth. Especially my oldest, he is the best at the yelling, because he had such a great example in me for the longest period of time.   Every time I hear him over-react I cringe, It sounds so familiar and I know where he got it... from ME!

I believe that by changing my patterns now ( even though I was not a great example of healthy living for many years) I can teach even him a better way to deal with his frustrations.  There is always time to fix the pattern, it's never too late.  I apologize regularly to him for the mistakes I make daily.  I want them all to know that I know I still make choices that I'm not sure about and that I recognize that I have room for improvement. 

 This work is hard, but I see the benefits when I really practice the things I have learned on my journey.  I know that my children will be better for the work I am doing now.

Girlfriends

Girls need girlfriends.  It is one of those non negotiable things.  Girlfriends are there for us, they listen and give advice.  They like to shop and lunch and giggle.  A funny thing happens when we get married.  We feel like we don't need girlfriends.  We are told our whole life that when we get married we will come together with our husbands and complete each other... we will become a whole person.  Most people I know interpreted that to mean we don't need friends anymore.

Friends are hard for newlyweds.  Each had friends before the marriage, and sometimes the new spouses don't get along so well with the old friends.  Some couples feel like they have to be friends with the whole couple, and that they can only do things as a couple now that they are one.  

I think it is worse for women married to men who have SSA.  There are so many qualities that make our men so much more desirable to women.  They are sensitive and caring, they are emotional and in touch with feelings, more than their OSA (opposite sex attracted ) counterparts.  This makes them more attractive to women. They can get a long with women!  They often identify more with women.  They can relate to them.   This makes them the perfect husband, they can be our husband and our girlfriend!  It's a two-fer :)

I think it gave me the license, a person who doesn't want to put myself out there, to not need to make an effort to stay connected with my old girlfriends, or  make new ones.  I think having children just made it worse for me.  Now I had even more people who depend on me, I don't have time to make new friends.

One problem with this is that as our husbands get healthier and start to make friends, we can get jealous ( a different post about jealousy).  Another problem is that as they draw closer to becoming whole men, they move farther away from being our girlfriends. 

Now comes our challenge.  We have spent years, some of us, turning away the chance for friends, close girlfriends, in order to be there for and with our husbands, and now they don't need us in that way, or want to be our girlfriends.  Sad.  Now we need to learn how to be and make girlfriends.  That is my goal, to make new friends and to be a good friend.  I want to be there for my new friends, I know there are women out there that I can help and that need my help.  I hope there is a way to find them, or that they can find me.  

My Bonds are Making Me FREE

I started reading The Bonds That Make Us Free by Terry Warner.  I am only into the book about 60 pages but I can tell this is going to be a life changing experience.  I have been taking notes like crazy as I read and wanted to share a few things tonight.

I feel like I used codependency to make me into the person I wasn't.  I want to believe that I was confident and could be heard for who I was and who I wanted to be.  Living with an addict made me unsure of myself and my decisions.  I saw myself turning to behaviors that felt unnatural to me but necessary at the same time. I tried to control whatever or whoever would let me because my husband and I were so out of control.

I don't feel like that any more.  We joked the other night that we couldn't even get into the drama after a dinner disaster.  It feels so foreign to us now.  How healthy is that??

I know I still have a long way to go, but I'm on the right path and still crazy in love with my husband!  I can't wait to spend eternity with him:)

Love you babe:)

Another thing that jumped off the page at me was about feeling stuck.  When we feel stuck we feel like others have more power over our situation and choices than we do.  We believe that they have the ability to cause trauma and feelings in us that we can not do anything about.  When this happens we develop strategies for relieving our unwanted feelings without retracing the path that got us there in the first place.

Finding the truth about the source of the problem points to the cure.  The truth is the cure!!