The following post was inspired from a post on an support group for spouses of people who struggle with SSA. I have her permission to use her words, but I have changed some of it to make it mine...
I realize that as spouses we are all in different places. Forgive me if I unknowingly offend anyone, or if what I say seems insensitive to anyone who is going through a rough time...but I feel that there are some things about our husbands that should be
shared....not only for their sake but for ours. My hope is that no one
would feel as though I am standing on a soap box. I am simply
expressing my innermost thoughts, values and ideals on the subject at
hand...SSA. With that said, here goes...
I love my husband!! Absolutely, deeply, completely - He is amazing, smart, hard working, talented, strong as an ox. He is my rock, my foundation, and my everything. He has suffered much in recent years and has many "wounds" to prove it. His parents were divorced after 41 years of marriage and then three years later his mother died of cancer after a long battle fought. She finally lost her battle in our bedroom as we took care of her. My husband had to walk through these last hardest years of his life alone, not sharing with anyone (including, but especially me) his struggles.
My husband has short comings and struggles.. like every other person in this life. I have plenty of struggles and trials too - many that have little or nothing to do with him. Thankfully he loves me and doesn't punish me for my faults either. Unfortunately, his struggles are more compounded by the fact that they are frowned on by the church and he and many other wonderful men and women like him face ridicule from good intentioned men and women in the church who speak from a place of fear and misunderstanding.
In this life I would like to be known as a woman - one who isn't afraid of challenges. A woman who loves to learn new things and isn't afraid to face new challenges and open to the changes they bring. I want to be known as a woman who loves deeply - my husband, my children, my family and friends. A daughter of God who strives daily to live the standards set by Him. I don't have a big career that is impressive to the world - I wouldn't want to be known in only that way anyway. I'm happy to be a mom who "gets" to stay home and raise my family.
Likewise, my husband isn't only SSA. He doesn't want to be remembered as someone who struggles with SSA. I think he would like to be remembered as a devoted husband, father and friend. Someone who has morals and standards who strives daily to live by
them. SSA is part of our lives, it's part of our conversations, but it
isn't what our marriage is about. We have other conversations, deep
conversations that have nothing to do with SSA.
I am not perfect, and neither is he. I don't expect him to be so, I
just expect him (as he does me) to strive daily to be someone who
Heavenly Father can be proud of, who we each can be proud of. This is
how we would have it in our lives. While our marriage isn't perfect,
while we struggle in different aspects of our marriage - we also have open communication with each
other. One thing I learned early on was not to belittle him or punish him if he
had a slip...or if he was struggling keeping his SSA feelings at bay. Another thing I learned early on that has been quite useful to
me in helping to deal with SSA issues, is that infidelity is
infidelity, porn is porn, sexual urges for someone who isn't his spouse
is just that...it doesn't matter if those urges or feelings are about
someone of his own gender or my own gender. This simply means that if
he is struggling with unwanted sexual feelings, it doesn't matter what
gender the person is with whom those feelings are directed towards. I
am not going to love him any less if he is having those thoughts toward a
man and not a woman. To me, it doesn't matter which form the person
comes in.
At first it did kind of bother me that he had SSA issues, because I
felt less than or less beautiful or less wanted because I am not a man.
Then I realized that he is a loving husband, and these
feelings are not directed at me to hurt me...if I am hurt it is because I am
insecure with how I feel about myself. He doesn't love me any less,
that has nothing to do with it. He doesn't want to feel this way, he never asked to feel this way or have
these struggles. But what he does with them is the most important thing.
We know that he could pray every day for these feelings to be taken away, but I don't believe that will happen in this life, that it's in the Lord's hands
and not ours.
I have found that some women feel threatened by the fact that their
husbands are "naturally" attracted to men and NOT women. I can
completely understand why some women (including me at times) have felt
threatened and unloved and undesired because of this ( ie. my
jealousy post). But, I also feel
that sometimes we (the collective "we" whoever wants to be included in
that or who resonates with what I am saying) punish our husbands more
than they deserve (Lord knows they punish themselves enough for it)
simply because their natural man desire is men and not women. I believe
that there is absolutely no difference between a man who desires women
and a man who desires men, but it seems like men who desire men are more
harshly punished for it...even if some of these wonderful men have
never acted out on such desires. There was conversation on our support group this week about
whether or not it is a sin to think about things. I believe that the
thoughts are not sins, but once those thoughts become actions...therein
lies the sin. If so, we would never be able to rise above our natural
man (or woman) and obey the Lord to the best of our abilities. I do not
punish my husband, I listen to him with an open mind and an open heart.
I cry with him and for him, I pray for him, for us and for me. I know
that SSA was not an eternal struggle but an Earthly one. I feel his
countenance, his Spirit and his undying and fierce desire to love his
Father in Heaven, his wife and himself.
I also know that my Heavenly Father does provide for me and for him, He leads us and guides us both, and if we
strive hard enough, He can heal us and help us move closer together. I
know without a doubt that my husband is the man spoken of in my Patriarchal
Blessing, and that I would walk to the ends of the world for him, and
love and support him no matter what he is struggling with. I also know
that he would do the same for me...without question or hesitation.
Heavenly Father knows that our husbands need strong, religious women in
their lives, and He knew that we are special souls, that we would be up for the challenge. I firmly believe that Heavenly Father only gives us trails and challenges that we can handle. That certainly doesn't mean that they aren't hard! They are HARD!
Bottom line... I LOVE MY HUSBAND! He really is my rock, my foundation, and my everything!!
