Funny how when you don't feel good, all other struggles seem to be minor blips until our health is good enough to concentrate on something other than survival. I had surgery this past week and have been in my bed a good portion of the week. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything. That said, I have a few thoughts today.
I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing. It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness. It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from. I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people. Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?
I love, love, love Brene´! She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability. My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given. This one is my favorite. Her blog is inspiring. Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection. Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it.
I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it. I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone. Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall. I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.
I now have the courage to be imperfect. As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection. I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends. I am worthy of all the good things that come to me. Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Perfection and Expectations ect...
Someone asked me a question the other day and my response got me thinking. We all have such different experiences here in this life.
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
I don't think it is fair to expect perfection of anyone including ourselves, but especially of someone else. President Uchtdorf gave an excellent talk at the General Relief Society Meeting a few weeks ago where he said, "God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect". He also said "God is fully aware that the people you think are perfect, are not!" Be patient with yourself, God is patient with you.
We often create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. We compare our own weaknesses with our neighbor's strengths. That isn't fair! We never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does. That isn't fair either! This life is a journey not a short term goal!
I hope that my husband is working, that he is truly happy and that he is striving to do what he knows will make his Heavenly Father pleased. I need connection from him, but I have also realized lately that I can't rely on him for all of my connection either. He needs to connect with men and I need to connect with him, but I need to be connected with myself, my feelings, my own friends and my Heavenly Father too.
I feel like I "get" the SSA and the work that he needs to do. BUT I think that my understanding comes from doing my own work AND learning how to communicate with each other. My husband and I have a really good relationship but we are very open in our communication. I don't think any kind of relationship can work when you are not honest and open about your feelings.
I have plenty of friends in OSA marriages who have struggles. It is a universal truth. We are here on this earth to be tested and learn from our trials how to connect with and rely on God. I know that guys with SSA feel like they have the biggest trials, but I think that plenty of OSA guys would disagree. One of the things I love about SSA guys is the sensitivity! It is really attractive to women:) When you can find someone who you feel comfortable with and who "gets" you, there is nothing better in the world. But with that comes honesty and communication, did I mention COMMUNICATION? It is big :)
My goals in marriage are basic. Love, honesty, connection, and to be together forever. I told him that I signed up for forever, and I'm working hard to make sure I get there and I hope he is too, but I can't do his work for him (boy I wish some days I could), just like he can't do my work for me. The better we each are at our own work, the better we are together!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)