Shame and Worthiness

Funny how when you don't feel good, all other struggles seem to be minor blips until our health is good enough to concentrate on something other than survival.  I had surgery this past week and have been in my bed a good portion of the week.  I'm finding it hard to concentrate on anything.  That said, I have a few thoughts today.

I have been taking an online class from Brene´ Brown and Hopeful World Publishing.  It is called Ordinary Courage: Lessons in Love, Shame and Worthiness.  It has really opened my eyes to my shame and where it is coming from.  I struggle with the fact that I don't always feel worthy of connecting with people.  Like if they really knew me, they might not like me...sound familar?

I love, love, love Brene´!  She is a researcher from Texas who studies shame and vulnerability.  My therapist introduced me to her stuff on youtube. There are several clips on there from different talks she has given.    This one is my favorite.  Her blog is inspiring.   Brene´ says shame is the fear of disconnection.  Shame universal, no one wants to talk about it, and the more you don't want to talk about it, the more you have it. 

I have lived my entire life trying to act, appear, look perfect so that people didn't know that I felt unworthy of my life and all the good things in it.  I have since learned that the perfectionism I was hiding behind wasn't really fooling anyone.   Perfectionism is a shield or a wall I put up in front of my own self so that others couldn't see me crumbling behind the wall.  I think that I even fooled myself for a while with the shield.

I now have the courage to be imperfect.  As I learn to be authentic with myself and others, I can find others whom I have lots of things in common with, and gain more connection.  I am worthy of connecting with my family, and friends.  I am worthy of all the good things that come to me.  Lastly, I'm worthy of asking for what I want.. from my husband and others in my life!!