To-Do or To-Be

I went to stake standards night last week with the young women.  Our stake president led a really good discussion on our to-do list and our to-be list.  We listed things on the to-do list like homework,  sleep, eating, facebook ( granted these are teenagers), and also spiritual things like scriptures, prayer, church attendance ect... He told the youth to think about the things on your to-do list and what kind of person they are helping you to be.  Our to-be list was taken from D&C 4:5-6

 

"And faith, hope, charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.  Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence."

Think about your to-do list.. I think the better I am at my to-be list the more I will get done on my to-do list. One of my strategies in life is when it gets tough, I get busy.  I like to hide in my sewing room.  I feel safe in there.  I can control who I let in and what I get done in there.  Lately I have not had the desire to be in there much.  I hope it is a sign that I don't want to hide anymore.  I want to be out in the world exploring and doing.  


At another fireside Brother Fred Matis told us to hold our hands in front of our faces - well he really said it to all in the room who struggle with SSA but I think it is a good lesson for any of us.  He said, "with your hand in front of your face, what do you see?"  Of course all you can focus on is your hand.  Next he said to pull your hand back and hold it at arms length. "Now what do you see?"  Your hand is part of the bigger picture. It is only a small portion of your life.  Don't treat your problems and challenges as the only thing in your life.  


In D&C 24:8 it says " Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy day."

What a wonderful promise, we need to be patient because we will have lots of trails!  One of my favorite phrases in the Book of Mormon is the phrase that is looked over almost every time... and it came to pass.  If we learn to be patient with our trials, they will pass.

My to-be list is full of attributes to mold me into a more Christ like person.   The stake president  told us, "Don't let your self esteem come from what we do (wife of SSA, mom, friend, service, callings, profession). Don't let your to-do list become who you are - let your to-be list guide your choices."

I hope you can all find strength in your to-be list.

Struggles

I have been struggling lately.  Trying to get my bearings and such.. trying to figure out why every time something happens to me it knocks me down further and makes me a little crazier.   I am usually a capable person who can accomplish anything thrown at me, but since my husband's sexual addiction and same sex attraction feelings came "out" I feel a little out of sorts.

I find some daily tasks to be too much sometimes.  Lucky for me his job is the laundry ( he chose it himself), and I have children old enough to give substantial chores to. But plenty still falls to mom, and whoever thinks all moms do is watch soaps and eat bon bons - come over any day!  You probably won't find me here.. I'm always going.  That is one of my coping mechanisms - busyness.

I recognize when I am slipping and can usually find a way to correct myself before it is too late and I slip into hysteria.  Lots of things trigger me to crazy mama

• crazy Sunday mornings
• feeling out of control
• feeling emotions ( that is a post for another day)
• when I don't take care of myself...

That is where my problem lies lately.  I can't tell you how many times I have yelled at friends for going off their anti depressants because they felt good - but that is what I did about two weeks ago.  Now I'm not on anything ( except my natural high) but I consider my "dailies" to be my drug of choice.  I should be reading my scriptures and praying, exercising, eating right, reaching out to others.  I realized this week that I felt so good lately that I gave up on doing my things daily.

President Heber J. Grant said, "That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do; not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased".  I have heard it a million times from my mother, but heard it again the other night with new ears.   Sometimes the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will work hard and overcome them.  If I don't pay attention to my life, and just live it with blinders on it will surely pass me by.

I don't love the crazy brain feeling, so I am vowing to remember yet again how to take care of myself... cause when mama's not happy, ain't no body happy!
  
One thing I am struck by as I read other blogs and talk to people faced with any challenge but especially SSA and addiction is that  we can't rely on others to do our "work" for us.  Our husbands have enough to work on and work through that they are not responsible for our "work".  I can't let him be the only one in our marriage trying to better himself.  If I want to be the person he wants to be with forever, I have to improve myself too!  There is help of ALL kinds out there.  

• LDS Addiction Recovery Program
  
• LifeSTAR 
• North Star 
• People Can Change 

These are only a few ideas, ones we have personally used!  I'm sure there are many more out there that we don't know about, but we have found immeasurable help and healing by using these programs and healing by using these programs and working on our own "stuff".

So for now, I vow to go back to my daily routine and not think I'm strong enough to do the things I know will chase away the crazy mama!!!       

Dear Codependent Me,

     There was a time in my life when you were a very necessary companion.  I want to thank you for giving me a sense of control in my life.  I used you as a refuge from having to have emotions and feel them too.  I was able to please others which at the time I thought was more important than being there for my family, spouse or myself.  I was able to get lots of things done everyday by relying on you to help me tune out everything I didn't want to see or focus on.  My perfect facade was able to shield my husband and I as well as our whole family from the judgement of others (or so I thought).

     We were good together.  I worked myself to death and you made me think it was working.  Everyone wanted to be me, have my fairy tale life.  Big home, good children, big callings at church, a successful husband who adored me.  I think sometimes back to those days and I was fooled by you too.  I didn't see what was happening right in my marriage because I was too busy and numb. 

     I was afraid of feeling anything, but especially afraid of not feeling worthy of love and connection, and even though I felt empty, and even dead inside - I felt like everyone needed me and that they couldn't do it without me.  I was busy and that was enough to make me feel needed.

     I used my nice "pillow wall" to limit the real human connections I had each day -  and  I was sure if people knew the real me - they wouldn't want a connection.

     I realize what a fake and false life you enabled me to have.  You robbed me of the ability to listen to my inner voice.  I couldn't  hear it for all the projects lurking in my day.  I recognize that you hid my feelings and emotions from not only me, but everyone around me.  I was mean and not nurturing at all to my children in order to not turn that energy onto my spouse.  I knew that nagging and turning on him would not make things better.

     I have been tired to the point of exhaustion from trying to have the "fake house" just in case someone would come over.  I spent many a hurried moment cleaning and shoving things in drawers and out of sight because someone was on their way over .But I never let uninvited people in because my house wasn't perfect.  Like a showplace, I mean really, doesn't a family live here?  I was tired because I was busy ALL of the time.  No rest for the busy- that is what I named my blog - more like no rest for the unworthy!

     I also ate my way to a protective excuse to not connect with friends or my husband.  I ate to mask the pain - emotion - connection.  

  

     I don't feel like I have needed you for a while now.  I have grown up and figured out where you came from and why you were so needed in my life.  I'm not that girl, twirling around in the yard, asking for love and approval.  I know who I am and that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and more importantly some days, I know and love myself too.  

      I have even found myself not getting triggered - to eat - to be sad - to check his phone or email 0 to yell at the kids.  I know I'm not perfect yet, I can't be that in this life.  I  have found a way to recognize emotions, their triggers, and really have them.  What an experience!!  

     I don't need you in my life anymore.  My goal is to be an authentic, whole, happy, loved, worthy woman who can give and receive love and connection.  I want to be a person with hopes, dreams, ideas, feelings, failures, disappointments and triumphs. I don't need your help to get what I want.  Your help only brings heartache.  

• I have the right to have my own opinions even if they differ from somebody else 
• I have the right to be happy and feel emotions.  
• I have the right to say no to demands or requests that I can't meet for whatever reason.  
• I have the right to make myself a priority and take care of myself.
• I have the right to have and express feelings

     I am still nervous but also excited to learn new patterns when old ones (you) are so easy to fall back on.  Like second nature you have become.  I know that you really hold me back and so I am going to say goodbye to you.  I don't need you anymore.  I am ready to stand on my own two feet and learn how to live a better life without you and your tactics.  My outlook has changed and we are clearly on two different paths.  

GOODBYE FOREVER!  I really don't want you around anymore and so for the sake of my family and my sanity .... GET LOST!!!!

Jealousy

Occasionally I find myself getting jealous.  Jealous of my husband.

Jealous  :

• of his ability to make friends easily
• that he has friends he can talk to about his struggles
• of the time he spends on the phone with his friends
• of the connection he has with men that I feel has replaced what should be directed at me
• that I can't be the "fix" for his SSA
• of all the support there is for the men with SSA and not for the ones who love them
• of the fun they have together during guy time
• that I don't have a best friend I can tell everything to

I know that he loves me - really loves me- but I can't help feeling left out some days.  I want to be the one he runs to when he has a funny story or something happens.  I hear him  talking and giggling on the phone with his friends and sometimes it makes me sad.  I talked to him the other day about not wanting to be the one who he comes home to after having all the fun with the guys.  I want to have some of the fun.

I consider our conversation to be a big success for me.  I actually shared my feelings and insecurities with him!  That is big for me :)  We talked about how we need to make sure there is time for us, not just boring chores and trips to the store, but fun couple time too.

We read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  It is a great resource for you marriage and will teach you how to speak to each other in a language that will really make a difference.  There is a test at the end oft the book to help you figure out what your love language is.   Here is the link to take the test online.  My love language is quality time and so I feel like my love tank gets drained very quickly when I don't get enough time.  I'm sure that contributes to my feelings of jealousy. 

I have learned that I need to speak up when I feel something.  A hard lesson for a grown up!  But it makes it easier to communicate and harder to let my feelings fester.  I don't want to fester anymore!  Obsessing can be a hard task master and I prefer not to go back to those days.  They were hard for both of us.

I know some of my feelings are unrealistic, but he has friends he can call and get help with a problem.  As women, especially wives and mothers, we have so many competing interests on a daily basis I feel like I can't call and bother anyone with my struggles.  Dumb I know.  I have talked to several people about that and one of my goals lately has been to recognize a need I have every day and reach out to someone and ask for it.  Then I can let it be in their hands whether they can help me or not, but I don't have to impose my judgement as to whether they can help me or not, I will let them make that decision.
 
I'm wondering if anyone else has these feelings of jealousy? Rambling I know, maybe one day I will be brave enough to let people know about my blog and then I could get some feedback:)  One day...